The Forever Interruptions

I’m running out of ways to relate that, with cancer, nothing stays the same. Every stretch of routine and expectation is interrupted by varying degrees of change and difficulty. Sometimes it’s a new surgery plan. Sometimes it’s tumor growth or regression. Sometimes it’s a new pain that came from nowhere with no warning. Whatever tends to happen, it’s hard to see any of it coming, and your plans for the future, any future, whether that is years or months, is jeopardized.

This shit gets old.

My latest interruption happened Sunday…actually, IS happening. I had successfully strung together a handful of days of running, gently and calculatedly increasing mileage in relation to my body’s responses. I managed to put together my longest streak of running consistency since surgery and was looking forward to putting in a couple 6 milers over the weekend. Saturday went as planned as I navigated through an increasingly difficult 6 miles in 7:00 / pace, which was a considerable milestone for me since I’m not even 2 months away from surgery. I had no idea I could be back to this effort so quick. Admittedly, the effort left me seriously strained when it was over, but I knew that was part of my progression, the necessity to get stronger, and the recovery would leave me a better runner than before even. I followed that run by another 6 miler, this time easier, Sunday morning, and I was ready to go into the next week with a new determination and effort to go further when the time was right.

Laura and I celebrated our weekend runs with some donuts, errands, and relaxing time reading at the local coffee shop. All was going well as ever. We went home and had dinner, then some snacks, and then…something changed.

A sense of discomfort started to fill my abdomen. It felt like gas, but really bad gas, trapped in my stomach as if in a perpetual state of swelling. I had felt something like this before, but it involved a noticeable food blockage high in my abdomen, coupled with a crippling nausea that left me reeling in pain and vomiting through the night. This seemed to be a little different. I wasn’t nauseas, but I certainly wasn’t without pain. I knew the night was going to be a problem.

I left Laura to sleep alone as I went into my son’s room and slept in his bed, except I didn’t sleep. At all. Not for one hour. I took various laxative medications to no effect and the same held for the ibuprofen. Hour after hour passed as I rolled back and forth in pain, trying to find a comfortable position, hoping this blockage or whatever it was would resolve itself. At some point, however, the pain became overwhelming and I found myself throwing up into the toilet, my only solace knowing that the effort would probably relieve some of the pressure and pain in my abdomen. It did, mostly.

I spent the next day also in discomfort, but a little lessened from the night before. I thought maybe the vomiting relieved the situation, and although I didn’t eat anything all day, I decided to have some softened cauliflower in the evening, not wanting to let my body regress without nutrition as it does after surgeries.

At some point, however, I was breaking down again and complained to Laura in great frustration, “Damnit. I’m sleeping in August’s room again. I’m gonna fucking puke again. I know it. I fucking hate this.”

Maybe I was so incredibly exhausted from not sleeping the night before, but even with the pain in my abdomen, somehow I managed to not puke as I fell asleep soon after going to bed. Crisis averted, temporarily.

I spent the next day in bed, but called my oncologist to tell him something bad was going on, that I couldn’t eat, that I was in pain, that I think this is something more serious. The office confirmed my suspicions and brought me in that day for an X-ray and follow up the next day. I spent the night barely eating again, just trying to get some yogurt and fluids in me to keep from dehydrating.

The next day I met with the oncologist and he explained the x-rays showed that I have a partial blockage in my intestines. As he explained it,

“The best way I can described it is…you have a kink in the garden hose. It’s like when a garden hose gets pulled and folded and the water can barely get through the kinked section.”

Great. But what to do about it. The “kink” is caused by adhesions (scar tissue) that develop during the healing process from any sort of abdominal surgery. My doctor said he was surprised they don’t see them occur more often, but they do occur. Essentially, the space between organs can develop these almost stretchy bands of scar tissue that pull each other together, bending, twisting or kinking various parts of the intestines, which is what has happened to me. The good news is that mine is a partial blockage, so food and liquid can pass, if I’m careful what I eat and take it slowly. Full blockages can be life-threatening, of course. How we need to handle my issue, however, is being debated.

Right now I’m waiting it out. The hope is that the scar tissue breaks up or the blockage manages to open up and all the pain and pressure is alleviated. But, if it doesn’t, I need to go back into the hospital for more focused monitoring, waiting, and then potential corrective surgery. This can entail IV fluids, a GI tube (good god no), and medicines. The surgery, well, I’m not sure what they do and how invasive it is (I’m guessing not that much), but I’d rather avoid it if I can, obviously.

But, everything else has stopped. Most everything. I can’t run, at all. Walking can be problematic depending up on the pressure in my abdomen at any time. Eating has gotten better since Sunday, but I’m still relegated to really easy to digest foods (no fruit or vegetables) and I’m always on edge that what I eat is going to leave me hanging onto the toilet again. The pain comes and goes and gets in the way of the work I need to be getting done for my design clients and runners, and that’s where all this interruption builds into great frustration.

It’s the same story I keep trying to avoid, developing some normal life that I can count on for work and physical activity that gets halted without warning. I’m currently trying to establish solid work, build myself back up physically, while also managing a couple running goals and responsibilities I’ve committed too…but having all that put into jeopardy because I can’t predict what my body is going to do from one day to the next. That’s the worst of it. I find myself wanting to give up on everything, to stop trying, to stop planning, to just…wait, I guess. I know this isn’t how I usually handle these situations, but I’m getting tired, increasingly tired of all this, of these surgeries, these complications, these hopes for a more reliable future…that are met with consistent setbacks or absolute obstacles to achieving any of this. I keep feeling the need to drop everything, to scale back every bit of excess in my life, and just get through doing the minimum.

I know I say all this out of frustration and current dejection, but this gets old. These setbacks continue to build upon one another and maybe I do need to just keep everything as easy as possible. I don’t know. In part I know I need to wait this out, all of it, for now, and then see what happens. In regards to the physical, I have no choice. For everything else, I don’t know anymore.


7 responses to “The Forever Interruptions

  1. Hang in their Scott. You are amazing with what you have accomplished over the 3 surgeries. You have done so much more than the norm. Your expectations for yourself are so high. Relax a little and realize that you are way ahead of schedule in the recovery process. It is normal to be dejected with all that you have and are continuing to go through. Hang in there and know we are here for whatever you need

  2. It’s corny a bit….but your alive. Which is pretty fantastic. Wish I could say something more that would make you feel better, but it’s all i got right now.

  3. Scott, Your determination to get back to normal is amazing!!!! but maybe there is a new normal that hasn’t been determined yet……… Through your will, you will figure it out……

    • I’ve been thinking on this term “determination” and it more appropriately describes my intentional efforts, rather than being “tough”, so thanks! I’m going to keep using it where applicable.

  4. Rebecca Walter

    Scott, I commented on FB a few weeks ago that you are tough, and I’ll tell you why I think you hear it so often. I (humbly) think that when someone’s going through a something as real as cancer, people do resort to the best compliment you can give a person, but they stick within the realm of what’s true about that parson. I think of toughness and grit as one of my favorite qualities in people. I seek those people out to be my friends and to learn from them.
    I met you exactly 2 days before you posted about your first serious stomach pains. You were a healthy dude with a flawless stride. That’s all I knew. Before we had even spoken, I saw you glance through the trees with Breeden in Brown County like 2 deer in their natural element. I was dying a hard death on “fun” 20miler. You and Breeden together, was one of the most beautiful sights, and very meaningful to me. Ultra running was brand new to me, a West-coast myth. Ben Bartley told me you guys were out for a 30miler, I lit up. You made this dream-sport real for me. We went to Owlery after and that energy you had, how pure that run was for you, left an indelible mark on me. You were immediately lifted into the small group of the toughest people I’d ever met; Tough because of the way you floated through that wooded playground. Your grit gleaned off you, undeniably. I talked about you for weeks, I swear, after that one meeting, and way before I knew anything about your cancer. For me, Scott Spitz, with or without cancer, is just one of my favorite, and grittiest, people I’ve ever met. I said those exact words before I know you were sick. I barely knew you, but you just get a sense about people every once in a blue moon. Your existence made me happy that day.

    “Grit in psychology is a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s passion for a particular long-term goal or end state, coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective. This perseverance of effort promotes the overcoming of obstacles or challenges that lie within a gritty individual’s path to accomplishment, and serves as a driving force in achievement realization. Commonly associated concepts within the field of psychology include “perseverance”, “hardiness”, “resilience”, “ambition”, “need for achievement” and “conscientiousness”. These constructs can be conceptualized as individual differences related to the accomplishment of work rather than latent ability. This distinction was brought into focus in 1907 when William James challenged the field to further investigate how certain individuals are capable of accessing richer trait reservoirs enabling them to accomplish more than the average person,[1] but the construct dates back at least to Galton,[2] and the ideals of persistence and tenacity have been understood as a virtue at least since Aristotle.”

  5. This is one of my favorite messages ever Rebecca. Thank you so much. That day of running with Breeden is one I still think back upon as one of my favorites, not even because it was one of the last before diagnosis, but because of the glimpse you got. I felt so “on” that day (if not at the end) and it was one of those runs we as athletes often seek, but come only so often and most of the time unexpectedly. Many times they are experienced alone, so to know that you saw something that day that I was also experiencing is really special. Thanks for conveying that. And I’m so glad we did meet that day and spend some post-run time hanging out. I really enjoyed the excitement and character you have as well, and all the same, seek to surround myself with people like you. So thank you. I’ll keep seeking those running moments like I had a few years ago and hopefully keep crossing paths with you along the way!

  6. Please post again soon! We’re all rooting for you, Spitz, in every way imaginable!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s