Forgive me for my simplistic, brutal honesty on this one, but there is no point in mincing words. I’ve been encouraged for my honest depictions of my cancer experience, and although I’d like to always offer something of positivity and seeking the best in the situation…well…sometimes it’s necessary to just put that all aside and call a spade a spade.
And this spade SUCKS.
It sucks when I’m forced to walk hunched over every time I eat a meal of substantial portions. It sucks when I look out the window and see the most beautiful weather and know there is very little I can actually do in it. It sucks when my stomach muscles cramp and spasm. It sucks when the nausea creeps in and I find myself frozen in place, waiting for it to pass. It sucks when I have to continuously count the hours and measure out which pills I have to take and when. It sucks when I think of what I’ve been physically reduced to in just two short months. It sucks when I think about the larger picture of life, devoid of justice and fairness, and am resigned to just accept this random circumstance as that….random. It sucks that I get no relief from even thinking about my cancer, that it sits with me physically and mentally at all times. It sucks that I look far into the future and have no idea when this ends, when I can get back to the work of building my life. It sucks when I wake each morning to a blank slate, crippled by the ability to do so little and so few options regardless. It sucks that the circumstances of my days have me passing the hours mostly alone, fighting off the frustration of isolation and loneliness. It sucks that I’ve just begun the next step of treatment and it has expectedly knocked me to the ground again, with so far to go before I can pick myself back up. It sucks that every step I take, figuratively and literally, is with caution and concern for what comes after.
I’m sorry…it just sucks. And there’s no way around this.
I know the potential in positive thinking and I appreciate the encouragement along the way, but sometimes you have to strip away the veneer and just accept the marred surface for what it is, to face it down and see what you’re dealing with. The surface IS marred, extensively, and there is no point in denying that and I wonder if it does more harm than good to deny it, or ignore it. After all, if this situation DIDN’T suck, I suppose I wouldn’t be making such efforts to get past it. Of course, I’m not going to just let the suckiness of the entire situation consume me and drag me down emotionally. I’ve seen enough shadows of the emotional darkness as it is and I’d rather not be pushed towards them any further, but I also don’t think it’s fair to live in a state of denial, to pretend this isn’t so bad or present a situation where everything comes out roses. Because honestly, it’s just not always like that.
Sometimes, it just sucks. And you can’t do anything about it except wait it out. You pass hours and hours watching horrible television. You struggle and strain to find a comfortable sitting position. You stare into the distance waiting for the discomfort to pass. You sit hungry, but too nauseous to eat. You remain uninspired, but desperately wanting to be occupied. You want everything, but are relegated to nothing.
And there is nothing else to say about it really. Sometimes it just sucks…and that’s all it does.