Driven Into the Ground

I have a drive to succeed, that is the very foundation of my running, that comes from so deep within me that it almost feels outside of me. I can’t tell you where this drive comes from, whether it is genetic or developed, but it is there none the less. Most of the time it takes the form of repetitive patterns, straight lines and a need for distinct order. Other times, it is an extreme annoyance to those around me, specifically my wife and kids who feel pressured by my Type A dedication to personal projects, cleanliness and running. In the past this drive weighed so heavily on my family that I felt compelled to step away from training to refocus on other aspects of my life that needed attention. This time around, I’ve learned to reign it in and keep attention to all the peripherals as well, whether that is family, work, recreation, etc. This has allowed me to continue running with extreme dedication, but not so much that everything else falls apart. Still, the drive within me is hard to contain and sometimes it takes external forces to knock me back to earth. Let me explain.

Since the beginning of May I’ve been back on an upwards training trajectory where I’ve built miles upon miles upon miles, most often at the call of a 5 am alarm. I’ve been managing the difficulty of rising so early and putting in hard efforts before going to work at 7 am quite well, but lately I’ve had trouble finding necessary pressure releases to counteract the fatigue that comes with such efforts. One can only take so many continuous 5 am wake up calls before a nap is in dire need. I know when this happens, but our lives are so busy that I often don’t get the relief. So I could tell a crash was coming.

Lately, I’ve been building on harder and harder workouts, whether that is Tuesday night intervals, followed by 10 morning miles, followed by 20 mile Saturday runs, and so on. Every day I get up and the inner drive gets me out the door to put in the work that is necessary for my sub 2:25 goals. What I am missing however, is a nap, a day of sleeping in, the time to stretch my legs, etc. etc. Granted, I can manage all this, though I will feel quite fatigued and defeated during the day as I try to do my best at work and manage my kids at home. But once the pressures start adding ON TOP of the fatigue, well, things start to get iffy.

There are only so many stress variables we can handle in our lives before things start to fall apart and we lose a sense of healthy balance. My first stress variable was the building fatigue of running non-stop. Then the temperature rose into the 90’s and 100’s for days on end. If running every day with great effort wasn’t enough, now the added stress of environmental factors rose the level of fatigue to another degree (quite literally). This took another toll on my body, which I was able to manage, but rose the stress variables again. Then I hit an emotional wall in relation to my current state of employment (don’t ask) and essentially became mildly depressed. I was in an emotional funk that I couldn’t dig myself out of, no matter how much coffee I consumed and which lasted for days and days. I had unwillingly added yet another stress factor upon the previous two. I probably could have seen it coming.

The drive that gets me up every morning kicked in Saturday morning before my 20 mile long run in 75 degree weather (relatively chilly!). I felt decent enough, but the post-run fatigue set in afterwards and I lay down on the couch to recover. Something was different though and I couldn’t shake the fatigue hours later. It was then I felt a distinct sensation throughout my body…sickness. Crap. It has been a solid 5 years since the last time I felt this way, but I knew exactly what was going on. The stress variables had compounded upon each other and left my body vulnerable to attack. The physical efforts I can handle, but I’ve always recognized a pattern that when I go into states of mild depression, sickness creeps in. And that’s exactly what happened again this time. The mind killed the body.

So for two days now I’ve been down and out, without energy and recovering from whatever knocked me out. It’s for real too, because I have NO inclination to go outside and run, despite the drive that got me in this predicament in the first place. Where I usually look at my motivation and drive as a positive factor, right now I see how it can throw me into an unhealthy balance if I’m unable to manage the other stress variables that come into play.

Over all, I still view my drive as one of my best assets and foundational to my running success, but it does have its negative consequences if I can’t manage everything else along side it. It’s something we all deal with on a daily basis. The management of physical and mental health are crucial to keep in balance if we are to both achieve our goals and live a life of value and quality. We can try to get by with one and not the other, but most likely, the external laws of nature and energy will let us know who’s really in control…or at least give us a convincing reminder of how to keep control in our own hands.

I’ve got my perspective back for the time being and am ready to get back out there tomorrow now that I’m restored both physically and mentally. Good thing, cause I’ve got a brutal workout tomorrow in 95 degree heat, leading up to my first legitimate race since “unretirement”.

Embrace your drive friends, but don’t let it drive you into the ground.

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2 responses to “Driven Into the Ground

  1. Great post Scott…. I know that life all too well. You are smart to take the rest, even if just brief.

    • Thanks Jackie! Yeah, it’s hard to convey the non-stop routine of a parenting life. You just have to experience it to REALLY understand. It makes all my pre-parenting worries and expressions of “I’m so tired” just laughable. Regardless, if we don’t take the time to rest or keep balance, something external will FORCE us. Fortunately, my forced rest was very brief this time around and I’m ready to gear up for Saturday’s race. See you there!

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